breaking point

I reached it.  This morning.  I woke up after a restless night of sleep.  Heart pounding.  Head rushing.  I try to breathe a prayer to God that His Spirit would flood me.  That my spirit would relinquish.  

I knew things had to change or I could spiral out.  I wondered why I reached this point.  

My years of trying have come up short.  My level of hard work, my "everything is ok" mentality, my control issues.  They were not enough to keep it all in order.  

Thank you Jesus for this revelation.  This breaking that left me paralyzed without the Spirit interceding.  

Where do I go from here?

Mystery.  

Mystery is sometimes maddening.  Yet, faith building.  In the most beautiful sense.  

My steps so far have been slowing to quiet my spirit.  

To let go of my "good girl" persona and admit to myself that I cannot save myself.  

Only God.  Only God.  Only God.  

What a beautiful testament that God will give us new hearts.  

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.  And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations." ~Ezekiel 36:25-27

I realize part of my journey is letting God come in and heal me from some pains that I have pushed down.  I only trust Him to do that.  The only one who can turn ashes into beauty.  That's who I want to fix me.  

Lord, come.  You are so good and trustworthy.  Lead this ragamuffin to abundant life.