Monday, December 21, 2009

Child of Love

one of my favorite Christmas means so much more to me now as a mom


Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Makes me miss living in a small town...

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Check out this wonderful article with videos of dogs welcoming their soldiers home. Melts my heart.

Friday, November 6, 2009

what do you do when

This blog has definitely been neglected. Maybe because it's hard for me nowadays to sit down and do one task for more than 10 minutes before thinking, "Wow, I better get a lot's naptime, you know!" However, I thought yesterday on our afternoon walk, I stumbled across an epiphany. I'm still trying to absorb it.

What do you do when you accomplish your dreams? Where do you go from there?

That's it. As I was walking, I pondered how before when I was working I really enjoyed my life. (Bear with me, my life doesn't get any better than it is now.) I realized I smiled more, laughed more. And this was all while trying to figure out when and how my dreams would come true.

Well, first there is, meet the love of your life. Check
Then, have a beautiful wedding. Check
Then, enjoy living with the one you love. Check
Then, build a house. Check
Then, have a child. Check

There you go...those are the things I dreamed of for so long. Of course, my dreams used to entail getting my professional license...well, that's what I told possible employers anyway. Now, not so much. Not to say I'll never go back to engineering. But for the first time in my life, I know without equivocation I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I am a mama and I love it. I love to spend the day with my baby girl. I love to keep the house feeling like a home. I love to clean (yes, I actually do...most days, anyway). I love to cook meals for my husband who actually enjoys eating them. I love it all.

However, what I can't make sense of is, what do I dream next? I realize that dreams are a huge thing I'm missing from my life currently. The place where you are content, but you're still reaching for something. It makes you get out of bed just thinking about it.

And at the moment, I have no idea what my dreams are.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

New Again

wow...this means even more to me now that I'm a mom.

Friday, September 11, 2009


8 years ago...God, please be with those friends and family of those who have lost their lives that day. May they know that their loved ones' lives meant something in this world.

I heard a story from a wife of one of those lost in the tragedy of 9-11. She commented how she would get so frustrated with her husband for leaving out his dirty socks. And now, all she wishes she could see lying on the floor were his dirty socks. I think about that when Jason does something that I'm not overly thrilled with. And I think wow, I'm so blessed to see his tennis shoes in the middle of the living room or the dirty dish he left in the sink instead of the dishwasher. He is so much more important to me than that silly dish. Don't allow the little things detract from the true love you have.

God, please bless America.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


4 years ago today, I married my best friend and the one who I am so privileged to walk this journey of life with. I simply cannot believe it has been 4 whole years! It has been an amazing ride with my prince...mostly good times, a few bad times, but all times full of God's love, mercy and grace.

Some memories of our journey:

Year #1:
  • An amazing wedding, followed by a surprise honeymoon (for me was all planned by Jason) to California
  • A lovely trip to Canada with my family interrupted by a devastating flood at my parents' house
  • Building our first home

Year #2:

  • Running our first 1/2 marathon together
  • 2 pregnancies, followed by 2 miscarriages

Year #3

  • A wonderful pregnancy

Year #4

  • The introduction to a little girl who changed our lives

Alright, so I left out a whole lot of steps along the way, but what I can say is that marriage has forever changed me. It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it. I know these past four years have been amazing, but I also truly believe our best years are ahead as we learn to love one another in Christ's love, not just human love.

Jason, you are my love and my best friend, and I pray our next year will be full of laughter, inspiring conversations, a little alone time, and an even stronger bond glued together by our Lord.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


(From God Calling by A.J. Russell)

I AM your Shield. No buffets of the world can harm you. Feel that between you and all scorn and indignity is a strong shield. Practice feeling this until nothing has the power to spoil the inward peace. Then indeed a marvellous victory shall be won.

You wonder sometimes why you are permitted to make mistakes in your choice when you sought so truly to do My Will in the matter.

To that I say it was no mistake ... All your life lessons cannot be learned without difficulty, and this was needed to teach you a lesson. Not to him who walks on, with no obstacles in his way, but to him that overcometh is the promise given.

So to attain peace quickly in your surroundings, as well as in your hearts, learn your lesson quickly. And the overcoming is never the overcoming of the one who troubled you, but the overcoming of the weaknesses and wrong in your own nature, aroused by such a one.

No lower standard than My Standard shall be yours. "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect."

Monday, July 27, 2009

not settling

This is a new kind of post for's about marriage, and children, and keeping your soul fed.

Almost a year ago, our lives an amazing way, yet also a challenging way. Sure, everyone told us nothing would ever be the same once we had kids. Of course, we nodded in agreement, but not in complete understanding. Our lives as individuals and as a couple have changed drastically. Granted, I would never trade what we have...but admittedly, there are days that I miss our life from before. When we could be completely selfish, when we could leave the house without having to check for a paci, for a diaper, for a toy, for a hairbow, for.... When we could plan the day without a naptime. When we could clean the house so...easily! When the house wouldn't seem completely disorganized ALL THE TIME. When I could have a cup of coffee and not have to worry if it would affect my little one. get the point. Life has changed. (Please give me grace and know that having our daughter has been one of the best things that have ever happened to us...I was nursing her just an hour ago and looking down at her and thinking...she is heaven. This post is coming from the heart and I'm sharing one of the challenges of parenthood.)

This weekend Jason and I were discussing our marriage and how it has changed. I was sharing with him how the "newness" feels gone and I'm sad about it. I asked him what he thought has been the biggest change in our marriage, and he replied, "having Bella." Of course, she's changed our I pondered, "Well, what can we do to bring back a little bit of us?"

Here's my idea...

We are going to have one night each week set aside for ourselves. For example, this week, I get one glorious night to myself...I already have a list of what I wanna do...take a photography class, go fabric shopping, work on my sewing, take a pilates class, go to a coffee shop and read (oh, how I miss that!), go to the mall and actually be able to try clothes on. And the next week, Jason gets a night to himself which I'm sure will consist of different activities than mine. :)

I think this may just help our souls and our marriage, and in turn our parenting for our precious girl. Bring on Wednesday!!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I have been reading The Shack, which is an amazing book. It has touched me in ways that a book never has. And this song reminds me of the book and the Lord who is with us through the storms of life.

Monday, June 29, 2009

by your side

love this song...He's there ALWAYS!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

possibly not pc

Since hearing the news of Dr. Tiller's murder, my heart has been conflicted. When Jason came home from work last night, he said he felt the same way. I am so sad to know that someone decided to end the life of another human being. Ironic, that I'm sad the man who chose to end the lives of 60,000 babies had his life taken from him. Definitely not much choice in that.

To say I was shocked to hear that Dr. Tiller attended church was an understatement. However, I am happy he did and I pray his heart and soul were touched by the Lord. I hope he is in heaven, and right now the Lord is showing him how wonderfully and masterfully He created human life. I will never in this lifetime understand how someone can think it's ok to end a life, to stop a beating heart for any reason. Nonetheless, the Lord is in control, and I am not. I am thankful for that.

May the Lord bless and comfort Dr. Tiller's family and friends at this devastating time.

May the Lord bless and keep safe the many babies to come.

Life is precious. Any life.

Monday, June 1, 2009

hug and a kiss

I wish everyone could get a hug and a kiss everyday. I think we'd have a happier world if that happened. And on a lot of Sundays, I get that at church. And I absolutely love it.

When you enter the foyer at church (I guess it's technically a narthex as I learned in my years of doing engineering work on churches...yes I do remember some things from those years) a sweet, older gentleman is there to greet you. As you approach him, he stretches out his hands to hug you. And then to add to the already sweet gesture, he gives you a kiss on the cheek. In that tiny little moment, I feel loved and I feel like my heart is getting a huge hug from Jesus. And that's good stuff.

No words, just a hug and a kiss. Simply. Love. Exactly what church should be.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I will rise

This is how I'm feeling today. Praise God!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

2nd Mother's Day

I write this post with a joyful, yet heavy heart. Recently my mom mentioned I would be celebrating my first Mother's Day as a Mom. I agreed, but silently I dissented. Actually it's my second. I know many people will never know that I am a mom of 3...2 in heaven, 1 on earth. Sure, some may disagree that those little ones I carried for a short time are considered children. And to those, I would gracefully share the pain I felt (we felt) when they were taken away. I don't think I would hurt as much over them if they were just "tissue". These 2 crosses hang in our entry way, and they are always a reminder of the precious children we loved and lost.

Praise God, I don't hurt the way I did. He has graciously brought me to a place of healing and amazing joy. Our babies are safe in heaven, playing with Jesus. Can you get any better? And I can see how the Lord guided me on a path of growing faith, trust, joy, love, and hope. A sweet lady who is a social worker for Hospice shared with me how grief never goes changes, it transforms, it becomes part of your being. And I can see that in my life. Thankfully the Lord has turned my mourning into dancing. Our daughter is an amazing blessing.

I know too that for many women, Mother's Day is a tough day. Whether it be the loss of their mother, a child, or difficulty in becoming pregnant, I pray the Lord is abundantly present with them on this day. I truly believe a woman's (even more, a girl's) heart encompasses the hopes and desires of a mother...and to all those women who want nothing more than to have a child to hold, I celebrate you on Mother's Day. I pray the Lord quickly answers your prayers.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


God is good when circumstances are good.

God is good when circumstances are bad.

We are so incredibly blessed. I follow Beth Moore's Living Proof Ministry blog and I recently read about Compassion. I started to think that $32 is so small and helping a child is so big. I mean for crying out loud I just spent $60 at Target. The Lord blesses us incredibly in this country, recession or not. Our country does not know poor. How amazing is it that there is a child who can receive so much from a measly $32/month.

This money is not our own, it is a gift. Spend wisely.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009

lay it at the cross

I realized this year that of all the holidays, Easter is my favorite. Not just because it indicates spring is near or that it means I can get Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs (though those are big perks!), but because it means victory. Victory over a hurting world. Jesus won, Satan didn't. Healing won, pain didn't. Healing...oh how I long for it in so many ways. This post will be extremely personal, and I even wonder why I'm sharing this on my blog. Maybe it will be therapeutic. When I shared my hurts with my amazing bible study group last Monday, it felt good. It felt good to cry and release and know that Jesus is there to comfort.

My mom has cancer. I said it. The "c" word. And yet, it seems minor in comparison to the darkness she is walking through. I have not had my real mom in 8 months...1 month longer than Bella being on this earth. And it hurts so bad. And there is nothing I can do but pray and hope. I've learned that God works in our times of waiting, and that is a promise I am clinging to. I'm not always strong. I get sad, I get mad, I get confused. My sweet husband does not know the feelings hidden in my heart. Frankly, I don't know the feelings hidden in my heart. Jesus does, oh, thank you Jesus. And yet at this confusing time, I have been given this amazing blessing of my daughter...whose name means Beautiful Grace. And yes, it is beautiful. Nothing I did earned the gift God gave me. And nothing I do will will heal my mom.

My dad has Parkinson's. He is ready for heaven. I'm so thankful that we live eternal lives, and the majority of those lives are spent in heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no worries about the future.

I will pray for miracles. I will pray for clarity on what God is doing...because I know He is doing something big. God uses EVERYTHING for His glory!

In the meantime, I'm waiting...and I'm praising God in this storm.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday indeed

Oh Precious Jesus, thank you for pouring out your life so that we would no longer have to be separated from God!

"Oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die
And find that I may truly live"

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

while I'm waiting...

My sweet husband sent this to me and it really spoke to me. I think all of us are in some type of waiting...whether it be waiting on a husband to walk into our lives, or waiting on a baby you've been longing for, or waiting on a loved one to emerge from a dark time. There is purpose and value in the time we wait.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

my grocery cart

I love life, and I love food!

Today I was at my favorite grocery store Hyvee (well, next to Wild Oats (it will always be Wild Oats to me, not Whole Foods)) getting our groceries for the week. I found it a bit humorous when I was loading my groceries on the belt. (Let's play the Sesame Street game...One of these is not like the other!)

Organic Milk
Organic Blueberries
Lowfat Buttermilk
Organic Spinach
Laughing Cow Cheese
Double Stuf Oreos my pursuit of feeding my family healthy, wholesome foods, I still have to enjoy food! Because not only can you not take your wealth to Heaven, you can't take your skinny jeans. :)

Enjoy life, Enjoy food! God bless you Mr. Oreo Man!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

whole foods, whole body, whole person

whole food
So, a great book had been suggested to me, and I always love great book suggestions. It's called "Feeding the Whole Family" can check it out here. It's illustrating the importance of eating foods that are in their original state, hence whole foods, not processed foods. Since Annabella's arrival, I've really had a stronger desire to eat the foods that are best for my daughter and me. She's a great motivator! We've definitely integrated more organic foods from dairy products to fruits to chicken. I'd love to eat more organic beef but it is harder to find. I truly hope that the agricultural industry gets on the organic bandwagon.

whole body
Since Bella's arrival, exercise has gotten a lot more difficult. I was warned, but I just was like, "You just have to'll be fine." Yeah, not so easy! Exercise is the last thing you want to do when you're exhausted. I smell like spit-up most days and I'm not always feeling at my best. However, I've found that I crave exercise, I need it to feel like my old self and to be a happier wife and mom. In an effort to get motivated, the hubby and I decided to jump right in and register for the Nashville 1/2 Marathon in April. It has been tough to stay on a good running schedule, but I'm working on it. And I feel so good. And thankfully, my jeans are starting to fit more comfortably. Hallelujah! It only took 5 months!

whole person
The most aspect is creating a whole soul. For the first time in a LONG while, we feel like we are at the perfect church home for us right now. And that feels so good. This year they're focusing on true transformation and are having a sermon series this whole year on spiritual disciplines. Last month was prayer and fasting. This month is bible reading and memorization. This last Sunday, (thanks to my hubby holding Bella) I was able to listen to the entire sermon. One of the suggestions on bible reading was focusing on one book the entire year. Truly diving into the book and learning the history, meaning, motivation for this book. I love this idea! So the book for the year and my favorite book of the bible: Esther. And what makes me even more excited is that Beth Moore just finished a bible study on Esther. Score! Speaking of Beth Moore, I recently joined a large group of women "siestas" who are memorizing 2 scriptures a month for this year. Check out her it!

I'm not a big resolution person, but I like the idea of making 2009 more about creating a more whole self.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

make any sense?,2933,488644,00.html

Warning: This story is very sad and very heartbreaking. After reading it, I felt compelled to share my opinion in some way because I have so many emotions running through my mind.

First of all, Lord, please be with the woman who went through this. I am sure her heart is hurting, and I can't imagine the pain she's in. I lost 2 babies but the anonymity of my babies makes it a little unclear on how to grieve. She, however, lived life with a baby inside of her and a a live baby outside of her. And she has to contemplate the rest of her life about the decision she made.

Admittedly, I am Pro-Choice...yes, I believe we all have a choice, and that choice comes when we decide to sleep with someone. (No one should be surprised when they're pregnant...last time I checked when 2 people do a certain deed, it leads to a baby...unless you're Mary and Joseph...the Lord was a little instrumental in that relationship.) Nonetheless, after you make the choice of being intimate with someone, your choice has been made. You chose to be an adult and experience a level of intimacy with someone (though it be your spouse or a complete stranger), you made the decision and you live with what the consequences are. Murder (or a nicer way of putting it, abortion) is still murder and it should not be a decision we should be able to make. You have 1 choice in this situation...whether or not to have sex, not whether or not to remove your child from this earth.

What makes this case so different, though, is that people are horrified that a baby was killed. But, wait a minute, isn't a baby killed in an abortion. So, it's ok to kill a baby in the mother's womb, just not outside of it. Is that it? Like it's ok, to kill someone in your home, but not in the front yard. Hmm...

I believe the devil has glazed people's eyes to the atrocities of abortion, and I pray that the Lord reveals to them that all life, regardless of its size or dependency, has the God-given right to Life.

For further investigation:

Monday, February 2, 2009

oh my

This doesn't make me mad, it makes me sad.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

green machine

Ok, let me preface this by saying...I am not one of those extremists when it comes to living green. It's hard for me to respect some of the prominent global warming alarmists while they fly their private jets. Hypocrisy at its best, and I can't stand hypocrisy. I can go on and on about my opinion on global warming....but lucky for you, I won't!

But what I've discovered since becoming a mommy is I want to have the most natural, chemical-free products around my precious daughter.

So here are a few wonderful things I've discovered along the way.

#1 Cloth diapers...OH.MY.GOSH...I love them! Who would've thunk? The fact that such soft material is up against my precious little one's bum makes me so happy. I am a big fan of the all-in-one simple, and laundry is not bad at all!!! And Dave Ramsey....I'm saving money!
#2 Baking soda rocks as a cleaner! Instead of comet, I use B.S. to clean my sink, countertop, so many things! It's super cheap and I don't have to worry about washing Bella's toys in a sink with chemicals.
#3 Vinegar rocks...I found this great website that lists tons of uses for it: I am now using it as my rinse agent and also I added a few drops of Lavender Essential Oil to a gallon and I use it in the rinse cycle of my washer for softer, wonderful smelling clothes!
#4 An easy wood cleaner: 1 T. Water, 1 T. Olive Oil, 1 T. Lemon juice...scrub on wood, let sit for 5 minutes, and polish. Cheap, natural, readily available...nuff said.
#5 Crunchy Clean laundry detergent...Yum-o! This is awesome, affordable stuff...they even make a detergent just for cloth diapers. Oh, and it smells divine! I love doing laundry with it!
#6 Wool dryer balls...throw them in your dryer and boom, your laundry takes less time to dry. I love saving money!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Cardboard Testimonies

God's transforming power. Praise God!