Thursday, March 29, 2007


You know, I'm beginning to understand 1/10000 of what Job felt when he was continually pounded with more bad news. Wondering if this pregnancy is viable or not is just exhausting and neverending it seems. What I wouldn't give for a day that I didn't cry or constantly wonder if everything is ok. What do you do when you know God is with you, but you can't feel it? What do you do when you're just tired of rough days?

I guess you just "Be patient in trouble." I'm beginning to loathe that word. When does it get better? What do you do when you feel it will never get better? What do you do when you feel hopeless? I guess that's how miracles are made.

The highs and lows of pregnancy:

February 24: Found out I was pregnant...I am absolutely elated!

February 28: Spotted slightly...scared I'm miscarrying.

March 1: Go to the doctor...everything appears ok.

March 15: Go to the doctor is measuring behind.

March 16: Get a phone call from the progesterone is low and I need to be on a supplement. Worried again.

March 17: Get my blood checked to see how my hcg is doing.

March 19: The nurse says my hcg is not going up as it should. Crushed.

March 20-28: Go through a refining process and learn that I need to trust God regardless of the details. God knows more than the doctors.

March 29: Go to the doctor again...there is progress but still no heartbeat.

Here I am....just a waiting.

Friday, March 2, 2007

New Perspective...'s taken awhile to finally say this...I AM PREGNANT!!!! It's hard to believe, but what an incredible blessing it is!!! I found out last Saturday and was determined to surprise Jason (which I did!). For a few days, I just experienced the most unexplainable joy...everything touched my heart, and still does. :) It seems God has revealed what a miracle it truly is and to think I can experience it is truly amazing and humbling.

I had a scare on Wednesday when I noticed some slight spotting. I was devastated and was feeling and believing only the worst. I got an appointment with my doctor and everything checked out just fine. We even had the first ultrasound! All this miracle was, was a blob, hanging out in its new home! It has to move, though, in 8 months! Through the whole experience of initial jubilation to the fear of the worst, I have learned to acknowledge this creation is the Lord's. He definitely comforted me yesterday when I was so scared. It's strange to think you can grow so attached to a being that has been with you for a week. I love our little blob though! I'm trying to give it a great little guest house!

God is so good, and I am so thankful for Him showing up big lately as I've dealt with a scary thought. Now, my challenge is finding His peace in all this.