I must forewarn you...this will be a long post. There has been a lot weighing on my heart and this post will serve to be a little therapeutic.
Do you always notice, when it rains, it pours? Well, this past week it has felt like a hurricane. I'm trying to experience the beauty after the hurricane, but my heart still feels a little cold and dry. How appropriate that the weather corresponds with my emotions. In a way, I feel Jesus saying, "I understand and feel your pain."
Last Wednesday, Jason was formally offered the Bermuda job. Initially reviewing the offer, we did not feel it was good enough. I think we were really optimistic about this job and we had formulated what would be a "good" offer. This did not coincide with our ideas. Dealing with that, and worrying about the next day because I was going to the doctor to see if the baby had progressed...I was exhausted. We went to the appointment and there was some progress, yet no heartbeat yet. The doctor informed us there was still hope, we just had to wait. I felt exhausted, more so-so news with no definitive good news. I asked God, "Why do I have to endure this?"
Well, the Lord in all his goodness listened to my hurt and mad heartsobs and led me to a book I've had for awhile...Praying for Rain, Learning to Go through Desert Experiences. It was honestly a glass of water for my soul. The best thing I learned that day was a part from the book "I believe our response in the desert place is the key. The paradox of the desert is that if you cultivate it, it can become a beautiful, productive garden. Or it can draw the very life out of you and you end up just existing."
There it was, the ball was in my court. How would I respond? Well I CHOOSE to respond and make this time fruitful. God was really breaking my heart. I knew if we would have had a healthy heartbeat that day, I would have left that doctor's office unchanged, content with the present. But the Lord in His infinite goodness, was not pleased with the status quo. He said to me, "Brandy, I love you so much, I refuse to leave you unchanged. You are my precious child and I am drawing you near through good times and even these bad times."
Trusting God is easy, as long as things go your way. Trusting Him when things are uncertain is a whole 'nother ball game. And I was playing in that ball game. I chose to keep swinging.
Though I would find out, you don't always win. This past weekend I start noticing some brown spotting. It continued on and on and I was so worried. I knew this was not normal. Saturday night I started experiencing cramping and more reddish brown spotting. I had always heard this is not a good sign. I experienced cramping all night and I knew in my heart this was the end of my pregnancy. Sunday I had bleeding and extreme clotting. (Sorry for graphic nature) It was the end of our munchkin and my heart broke.
God comforted us through friends and family just being wonderful. There is such a bittersweet love and comfort in pain. The next day I went to the doctor and I dreaded going. I knew I had miscarried, but I didn't want this journey to be over. I wanted to just know some piece of our child was still with us. The nurse performed the ultrasound and showed most of my lining had passed, but there was still some placenta right at my cervix. That was all that was left and it hurt my heart. The doctor was able to remove it, and I knew I was no longer pregnant.
The doctor went through the typical verbage, "It's not your fault...you did nothing to cause this. It's ok and healthy to cry...etc." It's hard to not feel like it's your fault. I feel like I was not enough "mom" to our baby.
But in a bittersweet moment I felt such a pain, a mom's pain and I knew this tiny thing that was inside me was my child. I have never experienced a love like that, and it was such a beautiful love. It hurts so much to know that we won't have the chance (on this earth) to get to know our child. This little person we created is with Jesus and I have yet another reason to be excited for heaven, to see our first child.
Switching subjects, Jason and I are very serious about moving to Bermuda. THis just seems like a new beginning that we desperately need right now. We fly out on Sunday to check it out, and I feel like God is giving us our own Easter. To experience a new beginning after some tough times. But God always wins, and I'm glad I'm on His side.
I think about Easter and how Jesus suffered so greatly, yet had amazing victory. I know we will have victory too, but I also know that Jesus' experience goes with Him. God healed his scars, but He carries them to Heaven. I know too we will carry this experience with us.
We always have Easter, we always have victory. We always have a new dawn. Praise God.