It's been awhile since I've posted last. Mostly because my soul has been empty and dry. I still can't say I'm fine, but what I know is I'm healing. And for that, I am truly thankful.
The crazy thing about miscarriage is the loss of something unknown. All we know is that this is the precious child the Lord gave us, and the child He took away. Am I mad at Him? Well, for the past few weeks, I have been. I still find myself getting mad. It's a heart wrenching pain, a pain that I think no one can understand unless they experience it themselves. You hear the worst comments...everything from, "It's better this way." to "Well, at least you can get pregnant." I completely submit that these comments come from well meaning people who care about us. But they do no good for healing my heart.
I never thought that this pregnancy would end this way. When we found out I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise to me. I truly felt this was the Lord's special gift to us after the miscarriage we went through just a few months before. There was an incredible peace that surrounded this pregnancy...I just knew in the upcoming spring, I would be taking our precious child for a walk through the greening trees.
Well, the Lord, in all His wisdom (I must emphasize His wisdom, because I doubt in this lifetime I'll ever understand) decided to take our child a little earlier. Jason was in South Africa when it happened. The only person I wanted by my side was 10,000 miles away. And my thought was, "How could God hurt me so much?" I did not want any part of this God that would allow so much pain in my life.
I remember the following Sunday at church, we had a worship song about God's love...I could not even mouth the words. I could not believe that God could love me so much and yet allow so much pain in my life. I say "allow" because I don't feel that God caused this miscarriage, though I do believe He allowed it.
I realize more and more there is a battle in this world between good and evil (God and Satan). You can agree with me or not. But I know that we have a choice everyday of our lives to serve God or serve the world. At that time and admittedly, sometimes even now, I closed the book on God. I did not feel His love, nor His comfort. I felt nothing. I questioned constantly.
Just recently though I've learned that feelings should never been an indicator of reality. For example, there are some days you may not feel love for someone, yet you know you love them. And the reality is that God heals, God loves, God saves, and God restores...whether we feel anything or not. Those are the truths I want in my heart, and I am beginning to feel God's warmth surround me again.
Circumstances never control the reality of God...in a broken world, He's there. When life is perfect, He is there. When I miscarried in the wee hours that Friday, He was there. When I sat crying in the waiting room for an hour among pregnant bellies and newborn babies, He was there. When my heart broke because Jason was so far away and so out of reach, He was there. And I will choose to take comfort in knowing and believing that.
So what I'm left with is a new journey in front of me. Regardless of what's ahead, I'm to trust and know He'll be with me through all of it. He is my protector, my comfort, my healer, my savior, and my king. Lord, I'm back, please take away my will and replace it with yours.
God is good.....ALL the time