Thursday, September 20, 2007
17!
And the lucky number is...17. So, being the math nerd I am, I calculated that in one year, I hear about 6200 I love you's...and over 50 years, I should hear about 310,000 I love you's. (No pressure Jason!!!) I clued Jason on my little experiment and I inquired what he thought the number was...he guessed 65. Not bad anaylisis when you consider he said about 8 in the first 2 hours of the day. But, he forgot to take into account that, no, I don't follow him to work so he can say I love you every 15 minutes. But, Jason, if you do want to stick to 65...well, over 50 years, that would be....1,186,250 I love you's...you better start crankin them out!!! Oh, and I love you Jason!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
i'm a lucky girl
So one of the things I adore about my husband is that he loves to say, "I love you." I never question if I'm loved, and sometimes I forgot what a blessing that is. So today I decided to do an experiment to see just how many times he said it. Well he started the day off strong...with 6 before 8AM. Now at 5pm, I'm at 8...I'll let you know how many at the end of the day! Wow...I'm loved...I think I better work on catching up!!!
Monday, September 17, 2007
coming home...
It's been awhile since I've posted last. Mostly because my soul has been empty and dry. I still can't say I'm fine, but what I know is I'm healing. And for that, I am truly thankful.
The crazy thing about miscarriage is the loss of something unknown. All we know is that this is the precious child the Lord gave us, and the child He took away. Am I mad at Him? Well, for the past few weeks, I have been. I still find myself getting mad. It's a heart wrenching pain, a pain that I think no one can understand unless they experience it themselves. You hear the worst comments...everything from, "It's better this way." to "Well, at least you can get pregnant." I completely submit that these comments come from well meaning people who care about us. But they do no good for healing my heart.
I never thought that this pregnancy would end this way. When we found out I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise to me. I truly felt this was the Lord's special gift to us after the miscarriage we went through just a few months before. There was an incredible peace that surrounded this pregnancy...I just knew in the upcoming spring, I would be taking our precious child for a walk through the greening trees.
Well, the Lord, in all His wisdom (I must emphasize His wisdom, because I doubt in this lifetime I'll ever understand) decided to take our child a little earlier. Jason was in South Africa when it happened. The only person I wanted by my side was 10,000 miles away. And my thought was, "How could God hurt me so much?" I did not want any part of this God that would allow so much pain in my life.
I remember the following Sunday at church, we had a worship song about God's love...I could not even mouth the words. I could not believe that God could love me so much and yet allow so much pain in my life. I say "allow" because I don't feel that God caused this miscarriage, though I do believe He allowed it.
I realize more and more there is a battle in this world between good and evil (God and Satan). You can agree with me or not. But I know that we have a choice everyday of our lives to serve God or serve the world. At that time and admittedly, sometimes even now, I closed the book on God. I did not feel His love, nor His comfort. I felt nothing. I questioned constantly.
Just recently though I've learned that feelings should never been an indicator of reality. For example, there are some days you may not feel love for someone, yet you know you love them. And the reality is that God heals, God loves, God saves, and God restores...whether we feel anything or not. Those are the truths I want in my heart, and I am beginning to feel God's warmth surround me again.
Circumstances never control the reality of God...in a broken world, He's there. When life is perfect, He is there. When I miscarried in the wee hours that Friday, He was there. When I sat crying in the waiting room for an hour among pregnant bellies and newborn babies, He was there. When my heart broke because Jason was so far away and so out of reach, He was there. And I will choose to take comfort in knowing and believing that.
So what I'm left with is a new journey in front of me. Regardless of what's ahead, I'm to trust and know He'll be with me through all of it. He is my protector, my comfort, my healer, my savior, and my king. Lord, I'm back, please take away my will and replace it with yours.
God is good.....ALL the time
The crazy thing about miscarriage is the loss of something unknown. All we know is that this is the precious child the Lord gave us, and the child He took away. Am I mad at Him? Well, for the past few weeks, I have been. I still find myself getting mad. It's a heart wrenching pain, a pain that I think no one can understand unless they experience it themselves. You hear the worst comments...everything from, "It's better this way." to "Well, at least you can get pregnant." I completely submit that these comments come from well meaning people who care about us. But they do no good for healing my heart.
I never thought that this pregnancy would end this way. When we found out I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise to me. I truly felt this was the Lord's special gift to us after the miscarriage we went through just a few months before. There was an incredible peace that surrounded this pregnancy...I just knew in the upcoming spring, I would be taking our precious child for a walk through the greening trees.
Well, the Lord, in all His wisdom (I must emphasize His wisdom, because I doubt in this lifetime I'll ever understand) decided to take our child a little earlier. Jason was in South Africa when it happened. The only person I wanted by my side was 10,000 miles away. And my thought was, "How could God hurt me so much?" I did not want any part of this God that would allow so much pain in my life.
I remember the following Sunday at church, we had a worship song about God's love...I could not even mouth the words. I could not believe that God could love me so much and yet allow so much pain in my life. I say "allow" because I don't feel that God caused this miscarriage, though I do believe He allowed it.
I realize more and more there is a battle in this world between good and evil (God and Satan). You can agree with me or not. But I know that we have a choice everyday of our lives to serve God or serve the world. At that time and admittedly, sometimes even now, I closed the book on God. I did not feel His love, nor His comfort. I felt nothing. I questioned constantly.
Just recently though I've learned that feelings should never been an indicator of reality. For example, there are some days you may not feel love for someone, yet you know you love them. And the reality is that God heals, God loves, God saves, and God restores...whether we feel anything or not. Those are the truths I want in my heart, and I am beginning to feel God's warmth surround me again.
Circumstances never control the reality of God...in a broken world, He's there. When life is perfect, He is there. When I miscarried in the wee hours that Friday, He was there. When I sat crying in the waiting room for an hour among pregnant bellies and newborn babies, He was there. When my heart broke because Jason was so far away and so out of reach, He was there. And I will choose to take comfort in knowing and believing that.
So what I'm left with is a new journey in front of me. Regardless of what's ahead, I'm to trust and know He'll be with me through all of it. He is my protector, my comfort, my healer, my savior, and my king. Lord, I'm back, please take away my will and replace it with yours.
God is good.....ALL the time
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Amazing Weekend
We celebrated 2 wonderful years this weekend and had a wonderful time. I realize more and more that if you pick the right one to marry, your life's happiness is exponentially affected. And I could not be happier. Jason and I had a relaxing, fun-filled weekend--full of fondue stuffing, 18" diameter pancakes, and too many smiles to count. Thank you Jason for the best years of my life. Can't wait for the next 100 years!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Happy Anniversary to Us!
Today is our 2 year anniversary. Yea!!! These 2 years have gone by so fast, but they have been the best 2 years of my life. I am so incredibly blessed to be married to my favorite person in the world. Thank you for walking this journey with me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)