I don't know how to describe my current state of mind, except to say that I feel like all the ugly pieces of my heart that I don't want to acknowledge are there, sitting on the surface. And I can't get away from it.
It all began when I picked up the book Radical from the library.
I started reading.
Then I put it down, because honestly I knew it was going to de
mand more of me than I presently want to give. But I can't leave it down. I know that if I'm going to say I'm a Christian, then I need to live an authentically Christ-centered life. And I know that I'm not right now.
And it hurts. I feel like I enjoy life. I love staying home with my girls (most days anyway), photography, house design, interior design, my husband, (sorry, honey that you came 4th in line...I truly love you more than that!), music, travel, cooking. Oh and I do love you Jesus.
And that's where the problem is. God demands that NOTHING. Nothing. (now this is where it gets hard if I'm being honest with myself.) Nothing can come before God.
I like to gloss over those pieces of scripture that Jesus asks possible disciples to give up what they least want to give.
And here I am. Do I love this life...and lose it?
Or do I give my life to the Lord and gain it? I know that it has great costs to give up life. To put yourself last. To say that my relationship with Christ is more important than ANYTHING.
so I'll end my post on a lighter, but important point. in researching radical, i had to seek out others who have read it and how they process it and i discovered some cute shoes. for a good cause. because we need to realize that our money can help or hurt.
check out sseko it made me feel a little lighter.