I realized this year that of all the holidays, Easter is my favorite. Not just because it indicates spring is near or that it means I can get Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs (though those are big perks!), but because it means victory. Victory over a hurting world. Jesus won, Satan didn't. Healing won, pain didn't. Healing...oh how I long for it in so many ways. This post will be extremely personal, and I even wonder why I'm sharing this on my blog. Maybe it will be therapeutic. When I shared my hurts with my amazing bible study group last Monday, it felt good. It felt good to cry and release and know that Jesus is there to comfort.
My mom has cancer. I said it. The "c" word. And yet, it seems minor in comparison to the darkness she is walking through. I have not had my real mom in 8 months...1 month longer than Bella being on this earth. And it hurts so bad. And there is nothing I can do but pray and hope. I've learned that God works in our times of waiting, and that is a promise I am clinging to. I'm not always strong. I get sad, I get mad, I get confused. My sweet husband does not know the feelings hidden in my heart. Frankly, I don't know the feelings hidden in my heart. Jesus does, oh, thank you Jesus. And yet at this confusing time, I have been given this amazing blessing of my daughter...whose name means Beautiful Grace. And yes, it is beautiful. Nothing I did earned the gift God gave me. And nothing I do will will heal my mom.
My dad has Parkinson's. He is ready for heaven. I'm so thankful that we live eternal lives, and the majority of those lives are spent in heaven where there is no pain, no suffering, no worries about the future.
I will pray for miracles. I will pray for clarity on what God is doing...because I know He is doing something big. God uses EVERYTHING for His glory!
In the meantime, I'm waiting...and I'm praising God in this storm.