doin great, maybe not

I tell you...grief is a strange thing. If I could give a picture to grief, it would be the ocean...strong and unpredictable. Some days, it seems like life is all as it should be...full of peace and hope. Other days, you feel like you've been hit like a mack truck and you can't remember that just yesterday your soul felt at rest.

Well, on Sunday I experienced the mack truck. We were walking into church and struck up a conversation with a gentleman who we came to know after our pastor introduced us on the connection, we had both suffered a miscarriage in our family. We chit-chatted for a bit, and he asked us how were doing. You know the difference between the casual "How are you doing" you say to a complete stranger...where it is just polite to say, "Fine", and move on. Well, it wasn't one of those...it was a "How are you doing" in the sense that I've felt your pain, and I know that some days are good and some days are bad. Well, Jason and I confidantly and flippantly responed, "We're doing great!"

As we were sitting in the service, I reflected on the seemingly meaningless response we gave...and I thought, "Wow! We are doing great...praise God!" I even felt a little tinge of pride, like we had successfully endured another tragedy without it even leaving a bruise.

And then, I entered the busy interstate surrounded by mack trucks and there was no sidewalk for protection. Our pastor was preaching on sharing our lives with others and how it's important to share personal testimonies of God being there for us. He remarked on the strength and presence he felt from God when his parents divorced (ok, I can see that), after losing his grandfather (sure, God comforts), when he married his wife (oh, yeah...the Lord felt so present at our wedding too), and then when he heard his son's heartbeat last week at the doctor's office (what? huh?).

Collision! Mack truck has struck a pedestrian! I immediately felt my spirit crushed. I had to contain myself from just breaking down and running out of the service. I wanted to stand up and scream, "No! God was not with us through the hardest time of our lives! He left us to fend for ourselves, and now all I have left is the thought of what could've been!" Nothing else...a due date on Saturday that is now just filled with pain and emptiness. A body that cannot seem to figure out what it's doing. And a husband who doesn't understand this pain either.

I just sat there with my pain consuming me, saying, "God, where were you? You were with him, why not me? What did I do wrong?"

When it was time for communion, I walked up slowly, just hoping that the pastor's pregnant wife would not be the one serving me. Karma...oh yeah, she was. She handed me the bread, and said, "Brandy, accept God's love." And I thought, I'm trying to.

We sung this song after communion (dialogue in my head):

You are so Good to Me

You are so good to me (Oh really?)
You heal my broken heart (Hmm...my heart, it's still broken)
You are my Father in Heaven (Do you really love me, because sometimes I don't feel it)

You ride upon the clouds
You lead me to the truth
You are the Spirit inside me (Well give me some peace, would you?)

You poured out all Your blood (Ok...here it is, yes, you do...you love me, though I may not feel it, God you love me perfectly, completely, hugely)
You died upon the cross
You are my Jesus who loves me

In the midst of my pain and my questions to the Lord during this song, the sun started shining so warm on my face through the window, and there it was...the presence of the Lord when I so desperately needed Him. I know it came from Him, and I knew He was telling me, "Brandy, I've always been there, and I always will be. Rest in me." The Lord humbled me that morning and I knew that the journey I'm walking has ups and downs, but He's right there with me.

Part 1

Part 2

the truth

I just finished reading the biography of Rich Mullins and was completely moved and inspired by his life. If there were an award for the most authentic and genuine Christian, Rich would rock that category. "Wow" is all I have to say!

The last chapter talked about his views on death. Since Rich died before his time, though it seems he liked to think he lived beyond his time, it conveyed an amazing attitude of what it is to truly live life and also to accept death, and accept it with joy.

A few quotes from Rich on death:

(Rich learned quite a bit frm Saint Francis): Francis reminded himself daily that he would be dead...I think that while we live, the one sure thing about being alive is that we will die. Everything else is kind of "iffy." I mean, you may be rich, you may be poor. You may have a job tomorrow, you may not. Nothing is sure in life except that you will be dead. There's something really great about living in the awareness that we will someday die. For one thing, that makes all that is hard about life more endurable because we know it will pass. So I think that it teaches us to not hold on to things, to live with some sort of detachment. Not the sort of detachment where we are unmoved, but the sort of detachment where we allow ourselves to be moved easily and quickly, but we don't try to possess those things that move us.

Once you come to understand that life is unbelievably brief and that we really can't do anything that's gonna change anything, that we don't really amount to a hill of beans--then all of a sudden you go, "so it doesn't really matter if I'm not great. And if I don't have to be great, that means I can fail. And if I can fail, that means I can try. And if I can try, that means I'm gonna have a good time. "

here without you

As I was flying home last night, I heard this song and it touched my heart. As we near November 3 (my first due date), I'm struck by the fact that we will not be welcoming our first child. I hope that Munchkin knows that nothing will take away our love for her.

a little laugh

After returning home to find a $750 bill from the hospital in the mail, I was in need of a little laugh, and this did it for me. Yet again, the good Lord gives me laughs after tears!

http://www.indecision2008.com/blog.jhtml?c=ts&loc=tagCloud&searchType=tag&term=blog_tag_the_colbert_report

for muchkin and sweet pea

Today is Infant Loss and Miscarriage Day and everyone who has lost a child is asked to light a candle for their lost children. Since I am away from home, I just wanted to light some candles for our precious children. I know we will hold them someday and I can't wait. So Munchkin and Sweet Pea, I love you!

I let the dogs out

This post is dedicated to all my ARCHE friends...you know who you are!

So the other morning we were working out at the YMCA when the song, "Who let the Dogs Out?" came on. I just had to chuckle. I remember the days in college with the ARCHE boys would sing this to me, and of course, Who let the dogs out? Yes, that would be me. I don't even know what that song means...I hope there's no underlying profane theme! Even one time we were out at a bar and the song came on while I was in the bathroom. As I'm in the stall, I actually hear them singing it to me. Oh goodness, you gotta love 'em!

So I thought about it today and realized that the good Lord brings healing in so many different ways....from cleansing tears to laughter in recollections of "Who let the Dogs Out?". Thanks God!

Who Let the Dogs Out

for explanation, see previous post

Healing Rain

send healing Lord