7 years ago

7 years ago on this day, I was going through our 2nd miscarriage.  Jason was 10,000 miles away on business.  My heart was shattered and I wondered how a loving God could ask me to endure through this.  Many tears and many questions later, here we are with 3 precious children.

I know that all stories will not end the same as ours, but I do know that God is faithful.

Even when we are not.

He is the only one who can TURN ASHES INTO BEAUTY.

ONLY HIM.

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. ~Isaiah 61:3

breaking point

I reached it.  This morning.  I woke up after a restless night of sleep.  Heart pounding.  Head rushing.  I try to breathe a prayer to God that His Spirit would flood me.  That my spirit would relinquish.  

I knew things had to change or I could spiral out.  I wondered why I reached this point.  

My years of trying have come up short.  My level of hard work, my "everything is ok" mentality, my control issues.  They were not enough to keep it all in order.  

Thank you Jesus for this revelation.  This breaking that left me paralyzed without the Spirit interceding.  

Where do I go from here?

Mystery.  

Mystery is sometimes maddening.  Yet, faith building.  In the most beautiful sense.  

My steps so far have been slowing to quiet my spirit.  

To let go of my "good girl" persona and admit to myself that I cannot save myself.  

Only God.  Only God.  Only God.  

What a beautiful testament that God will give us new hearts.  

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.  And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations." ~Ezekiel 36:25-27

I realize part of my journey is letting God come in and heal me from some pains that I have pushed down.  I only trust Him to do that.  The only one who can turn ashes into beauty.  That's who I want to fix me.  

Lord, come.  You are so good and trustworthy.  Lead this ragamuffin to abundant life.





 

greatest joy

I am definitely a person who gravitates to other people full of joy and optimism.  I likewise tend to distance myself from negative people.  And I wonder how much negativity is satan-filled.

God is FILLED WITH JOY.

Let me say that again, God is JOY-FILLED!

God is the one who gave us wonder, who gave us cute little feet for tickling, the ability to laugh, animals with a playful nature, children who thrive just playing.  All good things come from Him.  

But simply there is not a single being who is happier than God.  If you believe differently, you are believing a lie.

Likewise, I believe satan is miserable, pathetic.  And he wants everyone to be sucked into his misery.

If you feel like someone in your life is working to make you miserable (just like they are), pray.  The Lord may be showing you their nature.  Not to say that we cut people out of our lives.  God may ask you to do that, but we need to shine Jesus to the hurting world around us.

But BEWARE.

Jesus says,
"Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves..." Matthew 10:16

If you are being dragged down by someone, be shrewd.

Consider instead to:

Seek His Joy.  It is EVERYWHERE.  Shine it!  Embrace it!  Thank God for it!  It glorifies Him when we are satisfied in Him!

Let's increase His Glory!!!

seek truth

 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  ~John 8:32

How easily we can be deceived because someone "appears" to know all the answers.  

Let's be clear.  

There is one Truth.  

One Word.  

All from our perfect Father in Heaven.  

It disturbs me that so easily we can accept false teaching because someone seems to know more than us.  But be careful, because satan is good at what he does.  

Deception.  

If you want to know truth, go only to the source, The Bible.  

My dad told me often how my great-grandmother questioned the church she was going to because they did not trust the members to read The Word themselves.  I love that she was wise enough to know that she can study the Word through the Holy Spirit's revelation.  She was a little rebel in her days because she would host bible studies and they would get in the Word together.  I love that!  

God is there.  Trust Him.  He is the giver of truth.  

I admit there are some amazing books out there.  I love to read others' perspectives.  But we have to be so careful to hold tight to one truth.  Though someone's intentions may not be to deceive, they are at the core, human beings.  

We have one book written by God.

ONLY ONE.  

If you dig in further to John 8, you see that these well-versed, extremely religiously educated descendants of Abraham had one father who was not who they thought he was.  Jesus called them sons of the devil.  

That is sobering.

Be cautious and discerning.  

There is one truth.  

know me

I have for the last 10 years been one of those people who is not too keen on religion.  Jesus and faith are where I will hang my hat, which, really, I want to find a cute hat.

Anyways, religion I believe was created for good.  The enemy has used it for bad though.  However, I don't bemoan that fact because regardless of the bad in this world, God is still and will ALWAYS be on the throne.

With that said, I had an epiphany yesterday and I like the word "epiphany".  I am very committed to time with God.  Every morning I wake up with time in the Word and study.  Prayer accompanies that.  My "job" is very missional so I feel like every aspect of my life can be a way to glorify Him.  I have been working through discovering idols in my life because we're doing No Other Gods with my ladies' bible study (which is a highlight of my week...seriously, if you don't have a good bible study group, find one, or start one...I promise you it will bless your heart and soul!!!)  As I am trudging through idols in my life and other strongholds, I always come back to why it seems to never change.  Why am I still in this place?  Why do I feel dry?

As I was pondering this, I felt Him say to me, "Just focus on knowing Me. No more, no less."  And it hit me that I've been doing all the "right" things and missing the One I need.  It really struck me how it all boils down to relationship.

I can so glibly say that.  That it is essential that as Christians, we need a relationship with Him.

But it struck me that I was saying it but not living it.  And I say that with the fact that I read the Word everyday.  I pray everyday.  I do.  But I'm missing knowing Him and Him knowing me.

I liken it to the fact that I have a relationship with my children.  I am around them all day long.  I know their needs.  I provide for them.  I teach them.

But after my epiphany yesterday I sat down with Bella and just looked at her.

Really looked at her.  

Watched her pretty smile.  Observed what she liked to do.  Asked her questions.

And it's like Jesus said, "Yes, this is what it is to know Me."

I'm not sure where I go from here.  Except that I told God honestly I want to know Him.  He tells us we can pray boldly.  (How awesome is that?!)  And so in that truth, I asked Him to show me Him.

I don't want a dry faith.  I want an "in season juicy peach" kind of faith.  If you know what I mean.  I want it to be as I'm biting into a luscious peach and having to eat it over the sink because the goodness of Him is pouring out on me.  I know He is faithful.  He never disappoints.

So I'm praising Him for already answering that prayer.